i really just needed a fresh new start.
the past two weeks have been insane/euphoric/amazing/indulgent. too indulgent. it was my spring break, and i lived it up like spring break too. i drank, i smoked, and i ate a lot of food. i feel reeeeaaally guilty about it now. whatever, i deserved to have fun. i just should have had fun without the food. shit.
the memories are so good though. drinking at brad's. reuniting with pete and matt. shaving eddie's head. the server at zen zero's stupid jokes. st patricks day and getting in trouble for peeing in public! chowin some pizza snuggle. resident evil 5. and our romantic campfire at the abandoned trailer complete with sleeping bags, PBR, and bb guns. it was definitely the best spring break to this day. i spent EVERY night with ian. now that its over its so hard to fall asleep by myself. i've never gotten this comfortable with someone this fast. it just feels right.
now its back to reality, dr. killjoy! i need to change things around here. its a fucking mess. theres a ton of little things sitting around that just remind me of Guy and all his stupid lies. everything is so cluttered and i feel like its all just going to swallow me whole and never spit me back out. i need to purge all of it. purge the clutter. purge the excess. purge the filth. i want everything to be simple and perfect. seriously, the mess i came home to is stressing me out so bad. its so overwhelming. i don't even know where to start.
foodwise, i feel like i need to detox. theres poison in my body. i'm too afraid to even step on the scale to see the damage i have done to myself. it probably feels worse than it really is because i just washed every single pair of jeans yesterday, so everything is really tight now. still though, i feel fat and disgusting. Ian grabs my love handles so hard. he says its sexy to him, but OMG, it kills me every time he does that. i just want it all gone. i've been having the craziest visions of cutting my fat off, and i really wish i could do that.
today i've had two cups of black coffee, a piece of wheat toast so i could take my pills, and a cup of peppermint tea. i'm going to stick to tea and water for the rest of the day. i have to eat lunch with my family, and then i plan on skipping dinner and distracting myself by cleaning. anytime i get bored of cleaning i'm going to stop and do lunges or crunches or jumps until i'm miserable and then its back to cleaning. i need to get back on track.
2 comments:
good luck with tidying all the internal and external clatter in our life <3
somehow I feel that you're gonna be successful, have faith in yourself...
and the memories are our greatest treasure so it wasn't definitely totally wasted time, it made you richer xxx
yay for cleaning :) If you can manage it, try not to step on the scale until after you start detoxing... it will only cause a set back. You're sounding so strong and motivated, I know you can do it!!! Good luck, glad you're back. I was wondering when I would hear from you the other day.
Post a Comment